Carla, a friend of mine from college, is a writer/editor for such publications as Today's Christian Woman and Christian Parenting Today. She is currently co-writing a blog called the Mommy Revolution. I have been following it for a little while, and I just read this post, called "the Cult of the Family", which spoke very eloquently to me, and to a post that I had written last year Should I love my kids more than my wife? on this very blog.
Toward the end of that post, which is really a series of emails between myself and a friend, I talk a little bit about how I felt I had left out a "role", that I should take more seriously, from my list of "My Roles, In Order". These roles are Husband, Father, Friend, Photographer, Musician, Painter, Writer. The "role" that I feel I had left out was christian, with a small "c". The intent would be to Fear and Love God first and foremost, so that all other things will fall into the right place - and that would be the marriage, the fatherhood, the work, the music, etc.
I still struggle on a daily basis to allow God to truly be at the tiller, truly be Jah Guide. Truly be that still small voice that I listen to. I think that that is the reason, too. God doesn't speak, God whispers. And in todays world, that whisper is really quite difficult to hear, unless you make an attempt to listen directly for it.
Anyway, Carla is blogging about how some of the messages that the Christian church give to women of all stripes is "Christian women are taught that motherhood will someone complete us, that in motherhood we will find the culmination of all our hopes and dreams."and that one possible "result is that women come to believe that our ultimate worth comes from motherhood, not from our relationship with God." I think this is somehow what it is that is speaking to me, in regards to how it relates to my previous post and how I feel about this subject, even for men.
As a husband, I know that I harbor feelings in my heart that are downright hateful toward my wife, sometimes. As much as it shames me to say that, it is true, and I would be lying if I said anything different. I think, of the issues that we dealt with last year, my own insecurities over being laid-off from my Graphic Design J.O.B. and not working for the past 6 months is the one that we have let stand in the corner, the white elephant, as it were. Do not get me wrong, I am so joyful (deliberate choice of words, because it doesn't mean happy, per se) at my new role as principal caregiver (can't quite call myself House-Husband, it seems trite), and I would not change what I am doing right now with my kids. However, when it comes up in conversation, it is difficult to say that I am just a Dad. Since I am a photographer, I often say that - but in truth, I am a Dad first. That is a very difficult thing for a man in todays world as well. To just be a dad. It eats at the core of the being, if there isn't something else there. I don't think I have filled the core of my being with Christ yet, as I am not naked and unashamed, even in conversation with my beloved wife. I am getting better, and I pray that all the time, but I think that the core of my problem is what I have thought was my core, my value as a person, seems to have been wrapped up in what I did for a living, and not what God would have me be/do.
My prayer (when I remember it) these last few months has been this: Lord, take away the selfish core, allow me to die every night, so that I may be born again in your image.